btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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