God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
this just has baby written all over it
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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