My room smells like vodka and shame
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
