he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
wow bdsm is so cute
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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