please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
