You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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