Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
