This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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