Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I just threw up on my dentist
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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