Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
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