Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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