I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
kristin has been a bad kristin
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
