I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
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