are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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