the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize