but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
