I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Who did Billy Mays play for?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Randomize
