Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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