So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize