Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
