I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
