Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
