I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
false alarm. still invincible.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
