I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Dicks are not precious.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
