she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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