Don't EVER smell your tampon
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
