Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Randomize
