it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
