Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
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