Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
