I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
