eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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