Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
porn star boner night. come get it.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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