whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
You are a genius and a whore.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
