I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
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