and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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