i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
