3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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