YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
