Im at strip club and am horny
Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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