It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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