He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Randomize