guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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