my mouth tastes like poor choices
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
