im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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