So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Randomize
