i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
