It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
