You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
