worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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