Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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