I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
You can't just leave with hair like that
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
