I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize