Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
