He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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