I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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