today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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