Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
