Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
